Toilet Rolls
I'm presently still writing my doctoral thesis on Theology and Contemporary Culture. More specifically, I'm seeking to defend a sustained claim that the Asian Church is obligated to interact with a contextualised rendition of modernity that originated from colonial imperialistic activity but which has morphed into various contextualised modernities. This may sound like something bordering on postmodernity, although I've actually rather quickly dismissed (in my writing) the relevance of postmodernity for Asia. But that's besides the point.
The point is, I find that I'm now writing obsolete thoughts. I'm no longer as excited about what I'm now writing as I was when I first embarked on this project some years ago. When I first started, this entire train of thought was a profoundly new discovery for me. But the dilemma I face is that my intellectual growth has far exceeded the rate of my writing (I don't mean to say this in a lofty way - it's truly a dilemma). What used to excite me at the point of embarkation no longer excites me, because what I set out to resolve through this research has already been mentally resolved.
I've been assured of a publication upon completion. And I know that most doctoral graduates are extremely proud to have their theses published and read by many. But I'm not so sure if this is the case for me. I don't think I'd be proud to have a work published that doesn't truly reflect the present state of my intellectual position. So it's like I have it all at my fingertips, but it hardly means much to me.
So these are my thoughts at 6 o'clock in the morning regarding my research: Existentially, I have gained from this journey what I have set out to attain. So it's now simply about the degree itself, a pragmatic and functional commodity of life. Still, what has been started must be completed. Much has been invested by my scholarship providers who've so willingly believed (rightly or wrongly) in my ability to successfully complete this journey. I'm extremely grateful to them. I have more reasons to complete this project than to not complete it. So I clench my fist for a moment, then I flex my nuckles and keep typing away.
And at the back of my mind, a message keeps playing over and over again: an academic qualification doesn't make a person.
Comments (6)
When i was working midway on my thesis during my master studies, all the genuine pursuits to write something different and intellectually stimulating slowly turn into a mundane task of accomplishing a chapter after another.(this became even more critical when my supervisor cut and slashed all my ideas and made most of my writings like a piece of cake)
More than that, I no longer felt excited to write next chapters of the work when I realised it was only just a way to earn another degree title. I find that my mind constantly threatens to become complex and divisive.
But when I looked back now at the simplicity of thoughts, i can say that my own vulnerabilities to be simple has open instead to the gift of God's grace.
P/S: pls make good use of the "toilet rolls". If you couldn't, others will... ;P
Posted by you know who lar... | May 4, 2006 10:37 AM
I need toilet rolls ... we need them when necessary. In the past we use "daun" or "water" or "whatever" (don't wanna be too graphic). But in the modern age .. toilet roll lah.
a dose of realism in the midst of idealism.
Posted by Sivin | May 4, 2006 12:11 PM
Sherman, what seems non stimulating to you now can be something very useful and helpful to many others in our journey. Keep at it. Do not see publication as something bad, see it as something that can be a blessing and service to the christian community. Write away!
Posted by a friend | May 4, 2006 6:29 PM
I agree with "a friend": although this work may no longer reflect the present state of your intellectual position, it's a part of your history coz it details how you got to your present state. So it's not worthless to you, coz it's a record, and it's not worthless to others, coz it might help those who are a few steps behind you on the same journey of questioning & discovery.
Posted by irene | May 4, 2006 6:48 PM
Thank you all for spurring me (both gently and hard) to keep going at it. The principal of my seminary just asked me about my thesis about an hour ago... "So how're you doing in your writing? Finish it. Quick!" *perspiring profusely*
Posted by SK | May 4, 2006 7:13 PM
Go sherman! Don't give up... I think that what you're writing is still very relevant - might not be cutting edge stuff, but then again, if you could come from a perspective where no one has thought of... aha! It WILL be useful to somebody... perhaps me? :D cheers mate! Go on!
Posted by nate | May 5, 2006 9:29 AM