Allow an aging man the privilege of some soulful chatter. I’ve turned 30 this year and I’ve yet to begin speaking much about myself on this blog. Primarily, it’s because I’ve deliberately positioned it as a platform for more reflective and theologically contributive thoughts. But today, I break my own rule in very minute measure. Just for a bit.
People measure their milestones according to significant events in their lives; I think it’s quite a common phenomenon. Of course, on a lengthier scope, I measure my milestones in accordance with my age. But on a shorter scale, I typically measure my milestones according to my educational journey. This is partially because I’ve been a formal student since the age of four, and have never for a moment stopped my formal education since. Effectively, I’ve been a student for 26 years of my life.
The last milestone I charted began in July 2002 when I began my journey as a doctoral student in Contextual Theology. Tonight, the thought that I have completed 85 percent of my thesis suddenly struck me as something terribly significant. 85 of a hundred thousand words written, and it has taken over four years so far. And I now stand at the verge of completion, with only 15 thousand words left to complete a series of arguments to support my thesis.
And much has taken place within these over four years. I’ve been places – Indonesia, Europe, the Philippines, Africa. I’ve met people - some of whom look like they’re here to stay in my life and others who have left with no evidence of their presence whatsoever. I’ve made humiliating mistakes - too ashamed to name them so publicly.
Things have changed. I have changed. I began my journey as a newly graduated seminarian, young but having experienced enough to suffer from disillusionment at the idea of churchmanship. Now I’m a seminary teacher, still rather young and still extremely disillusioned with the idea of churchmanship - but wise enough to know that I mustn’t give up embracing a hope which God himself isn’t willing to give up.
I started out with big dreams. And now, after rather many failures that have defined the past four years of my life, I’m a bigger dreamer than ever - because I gave up my own tiny dreams for something bigger. If anything, I’ve learned to look beyond myself. I’ve learned to understand that my worth as a human person is best demonstrated when I see that there’s a world beyond myself and learn to live for others.
In the past four years, many of you - my friends - have popped this question before - what about marriage? And I believe I’ve always told you, “I’m not searching for someone, so I’m not even thinking about marriage. At least not now.” It still remains partially true. The only part that has changed is that while I wasn’t searching for someone, I recently stumbled across someone. I swear it wasn’t my fault; I just never expected that depth and simplicity - two seemingly conflicting virtues - could be so beautifully integrated and embodied within one human life. But don’t go trying to speculate too much, okay? The right doses of information will be released at the right time. There’s still a long process to go through before specific names are being mentioned. But yes, there’s someone in the picture, and I do suppose that the responsible thing to do for me would be to actually start thinking of marriage. (*Three deep breaths*)
Just some thoughts lingering early in the morning to clear my cache so I can go to bed empty-headed. So what else lies ahead? Who knows? My present mission is to impart the little knowledge I have to those who seek guidance under my ministerial care. My immediate goal is to complete my doctoral thesis, to submit it, and hope to pass. And then, to move on being the simple man that I am in God’s grand scheme of life.
The winding path is bound to lead somewhere.
Tonight, I'm reminded that I'm human. Don't see me as anything less, but don't see me as anything more.