I was just having a conversation with an imaginary friend today. He's well-accomplished, distinguished, well-known, respected and well-acknowledged. He's everything I'm not.

My imaginary friend has everything I don't - public recognition, external affirmation, positive strokes (well, we never have enough of these anyway). He is thus assured of his worth.

I must tell you, I don't like him. But since it was my day of rest, I decided to entertain him for a bit. Just to see what he might say to put me down. (You see why I don't like him.)

He spent hours on end telling me how successful he is in life, how he has become everything I'm not. And he told me how I'll never be like him, that my life is a dead end being where I am now.

Out of courtesy, I listened painfully to the thousand and one things he had to say. I felt myself shrinking as the minutes passed.

But finally, it was my turn to say something, so I answered:

Everything you are now, you will lose someday. Everything you have become, you won't be anymore someday. You'll be forgotten, you'll be ignored, you'll be unappreciated.

The only difference between you and me is that I never had it to lose, so I'll never have to cling on to what I don't have to lose.

And whatever has happened to me will happen to you someday, except that it has happened earlier to me. That way, I have a longer time in life to work it out and die being comfortable with myself.

Something in me wonders if he's really imaginary.

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Once in a blue moon, I have the privilege of coming across a person who hasn’t had things going his way in life, but who will not allow unfavourable circumstances in life to knock him down. I have recently been in conversation with one such person. And I’m awed at his resilience.

He does not have a wealthy background, never had an opportunity to attend college, has a very meek demeanor that makes him a subject of oppression in the workplace, and has financial commitments to ensure his family is secure (but which hinder him from pursuing formal programmes for self-development). Most others would have given up by now.

But one thing sets him apart from many others like him – he knows he’s good, and he wants to be even better. He has never given up on what sometimes seemed like futile attempts to further develop himself and reach for his fullest potential in life. If you watched him consistently, you’d see the fingerprints of determination, relentlessness, and devotion all over his life.

He works in an ordinary place, but performs extraordinarily. He does things which others would not normally do, because these things are beyond the specifications of their jobs. But he does them because he knows these are marks of vocational excellence. He’ll most probably not get a promotion for doing these things – in fact, he has never had a promotion before because he does not have a university degree – but he does them because he is committed to personal excellence and the good of others.

For every one such person I meet, I come across many others who are just so easily beaten down, who suffer from justificationitis, who have thousands of excuses for why they cannot make it in life. They either have no time, or are weak in languages, or are from less developed countries and never had opportunities for good education, or don’t have the money, or don’t have the intelligence. There’s always a valid reason to not excel.

When a person is not committed to excellence, he hasn’t just shortchanged himself; he has shortchanged his neighbour as well. His excellence would’ve otherwise been a blessing to someone else. But in wasting time, in giving up, in relenting, in compromising, he has failed to optimise his potentials which would have otherwise served humanity for a better cause. Of this charge, he has no excuse.

This person I know has not yet “made it in life”, if you need to know. But so what – he’s being the best he can be. And he has inspired me deeply. And he deserves to be called excellent. Because he is.

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In respect to growth in personhood and personal development, there exist two kinds of people in this world.

One kind of persons is self-driven in terms of their growth. They have no need to depend on others to direct their growth, for they are like wild weeds by the wayside that survive through any sort of climate and keep growing anyway. They are like the chameleon which finds itself in a variety of environments, absorbs their colour, and adapts without much fuss. In adapting, they learn. And learn. And learn.

They are innately on a constant lookout for new impetuses in their environment which provide for further self-development, and almost never miss a chance to seize such opportunities. Their learning never stops and they are constantly evolving at a fast pace, onward towards betterment and perfection.

For such, there is never a moment when they are found to be static or in the same condition as when you last met them. Meet them a month later and they would have progressed as persons. Because they are consistently striving to reach higher, deeper, wider, and farther.

Another kind of persons progress at snail pace. They are not self-driven and are very dependent on others for their learning. They possess few or no skills in the acquirement of knowledge and self-development. Without someone in their lives to deliberately impart, they go almost nowhere and remain as they are intellectually, linguistically, vocationally, and spiritually.

Such people are highly in need of at least one other person, of the first kind, to lead them in their journey. Without such a person in their lives, they would not have progressed much further beyond where they were since you last met them three months ago.

Life for them is somewhat static; progress is so gradual and negligible it's almost undetectable. Meet them sometime later, and you'll notice that they still write the same way, speak the same things, and spew the same set of knowledge skills they flaunted when you last interacted with them a considerably long time ago.

Ironically, it is often the second type of persons who think they can make it on their own.

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You may feel confined here, but this is far freer a cage than the one they'd put you in.

Noah Bennet,
Heroes Season 2, Episode 2

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In the past two days, I've learned some very important lessons from a certain bishop of a certain major Protestant denomination through a personal conversation with him:

Justice is absolutely important; it is second only to saving your own arse.

Upholding truth is a non-negotiable; as long as it doesn't involve too much energy, time, and money.

Opinion is more important than concrete evidence; especially if you're a bishop and it involves your opinion.

Wise words from a wise man. Thank the Lord for such Christian leadership.

By the way, you should listen to this bishop when he preaches about justice. His tone of conviction almost convinces you that he truly believes in what he preaches.

For now, I'd rather not say anything about corrupt judiciaries and national leadership - the plank is in our own eye.

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When the story told seems to have happened all too long ago, we forget. We forget how we fit into that story and how we are somehow heirs – continuations – of that story which has now been relegated to the realm of legend. One day, the legend will become myth. And soon enough after that, it will be heard of no more.

As with all things that decay, so does our memory and our sense of being. If it is untrue that these things decay, it is at least true that they constantly threaten to decay. Our memories of these stories told long ago are what give us strength for today and hope for tomorrow. When we forget, these memories diminish together with strength and hope, hence the onslaught of despair and the reign of terror and fear.

The truth is, we were once Kings and Queens of the Land. But over time, we forgot how to be the Kings and Queens we were designated to be. And over time, we even forgot that we were in fact Kings and Queens. And because we had forgotten, we acted like savages who roamed the land, seeking to exploit all we could dominate and demean.

We even forget how to treat our fellow Kings and Queens, allowing our fallen bestial natures to engage in strife and rivalry over matter that once could have been shared by us all. The cry for power and dominance corrupts our land, which was once Our Land. And the land is infested by a race called “we”, who were once called “We”.

The Lion must return. For when he returns, we will remember. And when we remember, We will once again rule Our Land. He must return, and he must roar, so that we will remember.

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If one day you discovered that your faith which you had held for some twenty years was misplaced, would you disown it? If you found another faith which you realised was the right one, would you embrace it?

I realise that most people wouldn’t.

Because for many, faith is as much an issue of social status, reputation, familiarity, and security as it is an issue of truth conviction, if not more so! For most people, the fear of discovering truth beyond their ground of familiarity stems from the fear that if they discovered something beyond that which constituted “truth” to them, their allegiance would have to be shifted. Mentally, emotionally, and dispositionally, they avoid such possibility at all cost.

For others, even if the discovery of “new truth” should take place, it does not necessarily lead to a conversion of heart and a redirection of action. Their discovery of new “new truth” rests at the level of casual acquaintanceship. For such, the usual cycle of relative justification emerges: “Just because you act upon a conviction, it does not necessarily mean that I must act upon mine”. Basically, the development of a new belief for them does not necessarily lead to a conviction to act. Clearly, overriding that faith conviction is an even greater conviction that the present stability and sense of security are to be guarded above all else.

So if you discovered that your faith has been misplaced all this while, would you abandon it at the risk of losing your friends, your family, your job, and all sorts of securities that allow you to sleep restfully in the night (knowing that the next day those securities will still be there)? And if you discovered another faith that was true to you, would you embrace it at the risk of provoking social disfavour and suffering financial, relational, and positional insecurity?

I admire those who would and who have. I have deep respect for those who have left their Christian faith to become Muslim, those who have left their Muslim faith to become Catholic, those who have left their Christian faith to become Buddhist, and those who from being religious people have decided to abandon the idea of faith all together, and others alike. They are people who understand the worth of a conviction.

But the vast majority of “believers” are simply casually religious people, flirting with truth.

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Would it sound overly triumphant if I advanced the claim that I’m now experiencing what seems to be the most enjoyable stage of my theological journey so far?

I’m learning new forms of theological articulation, discovering new categories and deciphering how my existing scheme fits into the ever-expanding matrix, and in the process, witnessing an influx of new categories that I’d previously never even heard of before. And yes, I’m thinking to myself, “Which part of the planet have I been stuck in before this?”

It seems as though I have just entered a whole new world of discovery. At the same time, it’s not a world entirely unfamiliar to me. There are things that strongly resonate with what I’ve known before, so the sense of continuity resounds. But more than that, there are also things that are really mind-blowing in the light of the paradigm from which I have emerged.

Now it seems like the paradigm I have recently emerged from is at least thirty years backward. It was a world wherein people articulated things as if those were entirely brand new discoveries, when it had actually escaped their realisation that others had already spoken about those very things for decades and have now moved far beyond that.

Oh the folly of thinking that we already know all there is to know. The folly of thinking that our little fossilised little frameworks already contain all there is to know, and the ignorant insecurity of protectionism reflected in the way we guard our fragile little schemas.

But you know, inasmuch as it might sound judgemental to say this, the reality is that some people will always remain where they are. They will always remain happy being in static intellectual existence; they remain happy there because that’s where they get to persist in their delusions of already having known all there is to be known.

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Knowledge must never be imparted out of insecurity or anxiety.

When knowledge is imparted out of insecurity, it causes one to project one’s self as the subject of knowledge. It makes one flaunt himself as the person who knows it all, while others are subtly implied to know nothing of equal value. In the thick of such insecurity, only the knower’s field of knowledge and realm of discourse are of vital consequence. Such a man knows nothing except his own loftiness.

When knowledge is imparted out of an anxiety that others might not know enough, it causes one to impose onto others the obligation to know as much as the knower does. It does not take into account the different capacities and efficiencies of people to absorb knowledge. Such a manner of imparting knowledge makes people into objects of information; it demeans the human spirit and belittles the learner.

Knowledge, when imparted properly and in the right spirit, liberates the learner. It proceeds from the mind and enters the realm of the heart, transforming itself into life wisdom. It gives the knower a love of wisdom and a desire to acquire even greater and deeper wisdom.

Knowledge is good. But imparting something good is an intricate skill; because when not imparted in its rightful way, even something as good as knowledge can kill the human spirit.

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I have just completed what I think is the final editing of my doctoral dissertation entitled The New Asia, and will be handing it in this weekend.

I’m told that my examiners will be a professor of Divinity from Cambridge University (external examiner), an associate professor of History from the National University of Singapore (external examiner), and a professor of Systematic Theology from Trinity Theological College Singapore (internal examiner).

Results are to be known in a couple of months’ time, while a publisher for the dissertation is already at hand.

Sure, it makes me shiver and quiver. But honestly, even if I failed, I wouldn’t regret the past nine years of my theological journey. Every bit of it has contributed to the very convictions I embrace today; from the elementary learning of Greek alphabets to the philosophical articulations of theological discourses.

Also, it’s not often that seminarians get to say that they’re glad they read Theology in the seminaries they've graduated from. But I’m truly privileged to be able to say with a deep measure of healthy pride that I read Theology at the feet of some truly brilliant and competent minds, as well as some deeply spiritual people. I’m proud of my alma mater.

Ironically, my theological journey has taken me to a place where I least expected I’d be at when I first stood before the starting line. It has shocked many, and will continue to shock more others.

But here I stand, more confident than ever about what I believe in.

The past six months has seen me engaging in one of the most intensive and extensive theological research efforts throughout my spiritual and intellectual journey. I’ve studied Theology in the past six months as if it was an issue of life or death – because I believed it was so. Had it not been owing to a crucial faith decision that stood before me, it would’ve probably taken me two years to attain all this understanding. It’s strange what conviction does to a person.

And in just six months, my framework of understanding has been further revolutionised, my depth of wisdom challenged, my discernment of life and spirituality deepened. I’ve studied like never before, prayed like never before, queried like never before, and found answers like never before. I look backward and I see a helpless juvenile standing in the shadow of the past.

There is only one way to move on from here: forward.

Looking ahead, I'll be working on the editing of a book on Malaysian contextual theology, the co-writing of another book on Asian theologies, and the possible co-writing of yet another book on the social teachings of the Church.

Yet with much fear and trembling, and with much fervent prayer.

For the rest of this journey, I invoke the prayers of the Holy Mother, the saints from the past, the Fathers and the Doctors of the Church: ora pro nobis.

May I embark on these new challenges with a spirit of awe at God's veritatis splendor.

The end is but a new beginning.

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It’s been hardly three years since I moved up north from down south. Prior to that, it’d been a rather long time since I’d been in touch with a more “conservative” ethos of the Malaysian life. For one thing, most of my young adult life had been spent in the more urban settings. For another thing, I spent quite a number of years being immersed in life in a neighbouring country that’s utterly modern; in fact, very Western in many aspects.

Although I’ve often considered myself as being very much of a kampong boy (“village boy”), I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I’m suffering from some form of culture-shock, or rather, a reverse culture-shock.

Here’s one big thing that alarmed me during the first few months here, and continues to alarm me: I realised that people here like to make mountains out of molehills. This is true even in the Christian context (or should I say, especially in the Christian context?)

Heck, it's true even in the context of the seminary where Christian ministers are trained. I know, because I taught in one. So let me just use this context as an example, because this was where I suffered the greatest shock after all.

Imagine, the slightest variance from the prescribed dress codes would earn you a spiritual exhortation (by this, I mean just a negligible difference between a collared and a non-collared t-shirt, between having your shirt tucked in and not tucked in). The slightest defiance of a rule, no matter how senseless it might be, could cost you a spiritual tongue lashing.

I’ve also found that the formation of Christians ministers in Malaysia is centred on rules. It’s not uncommon to hear comments like, “It’s the policy” or “I hope you understand, I’m just following the procedures”, no matter how ridiculous or archaic these policies and procedures may be. No one bothers to review the rules – and when someone does review the rules, you can almost always expect that it means a couple of other new rules will be coming up soon. I can’t seem to get used to such legalism. And I couldn’t get used to telling people that they had to somehow abide by such legalism just because “it’s the way things are”. Some people are busy making rules so that things can start running mechanically without them having to think through issues too much.

Another thing I’ve discovered about the formation of Christian ministers in Malaysia – they’re formed in an environment where every molehill becomes a mountain. Make a slightest mistake, no one forgets and no one stops talking about it. Earn yourself a bad reputation, it almost never leaves you and your reputation only gets worse and worse. Challenge the system when it shows itself to be unreasonable, and you’ll get more people cringing at how you’re not guarding your behind than people who’ll buy into your cause. And what’s worse, it gets blown up, blown up, blown up, until it becomes the talk of the entire community.

And here we are, hoping to see Christian ministers becoming people who have a mind to exercise sensible discretion, who don’t abide by rules simply because they need to guard their behinds, who stand up for what is right. We get frustrated when we see ministers toeing the line just because they’re politically intimidated, even if they know what the right way should be. They’re just not being incubated in an environment that embraces such values throughout their formation. The present ethos is making them become that which we least desire for them to be as spiritual leaders in the church.

When you unthinkingly order people’s lives by rules in the present, it’s inevitable that they learn to unthinkingly order their own lives by rules in the future.

So, that was just an example using a context in which I previously worked. It's unfortunate that this context happens to be a seminary - it makes me wonder where the Christian community is heading towards.

And then, at the wider level, it also makes me think about the state of things in Malaysian society, if this seminary context is not perhaps reflective of a wider reality as well. And to think we wanted leaders in society who could actually think.

Sure, there's a bunch of people who are astute thinkers in the Malaysian society - we call them "opposition". If I'm not mistaken, that's what they call such thinkers in the seminary where I taught too.

Posted by SK at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Having always been perceived as a left-winger where I came from,
It feels very strange to be pronounced "right" and "orthodox" where I am now.

Posted by SK at 8:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Yours is a lie,
Mine is a justification.

Yours is complacency,
Mine is relaxation.

Yours is self-deceit,
Mine is a psychological barrier.

Yours is control,
Mine is planning.

Yours is a wrong,
Mine is a mistake.

Yours is a sin,
Mine is a weakness.

Yours is hypocrisy,
Mine is etiquette.

Yours is wishful dreaming,
Mine is hope.

Yours is superstition,
Mine is faith.

The human heart is self-deceiving, always comparing its best with the worst in others, and its worst with the best in others.

Posted by SK at 2:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

You fool! Since when have I ever been politically correct?

I didn't give up all those things in life to be politically correct just so I'd be able to occupy all those chairs of vanity in which you sit to exalt yourself.

I'm more dead to myself than you think.

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Civilisations are a strange thing.

Some civilisations admire the man who pushes his way to the top in any walk of life, whilst some others admire the man who abandons his ego.

Most world religions claim to admire people who abandon their ego, but are embodied by institutions manned by people who strive to push their way to the top.

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Here's a confession I've just made to a friend who claims himself to be anti-conflict:

I tend to be anti people who're anti-conflict. My relationship with anti-conflict people tend to eventually go sour.

When asked why, this was my reply:

Because I see them as people who're self-absorbed, who're more concerned for personal stability than for the common good.

Something worth recording down for more personal reflection.

By the way, the opposite of being anti-conflict isn't being pro-conflict. It's simply being open to conflict when necessary and not avoiding it at all cost. But of course, for the anti-conflict people, all conflict is never necessary.

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A true ninja endures hardship with patience and strength. He knows how to wait.

Lady Tsunade
The Fifth Hokage of the Hidden Leaf Village
from the anime "Naruto"

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Of course it's the Chinese New Year. But it's also the beginning of the Lenten season! It is a season of reflection, withdrawal, penitence, and of receiving the forgiveness of God. It is a call for us to return to the presence of God in response to his invitation of love.

So after all the New Year celebrations and the red packets and the Chinese festivities, today I've returned to the Lenten mode. This morning, I accompanied a minister to bring the Sacraments and the Word to a group of foreign people in a very interior area.

We walked in the blazing heat through this...

and this.

It was a two-kilometre walk, going through high and low, jungle and quarry, before we arrived and spent some two hours with these people:

It's the Chinese New Year, but don't forget, it's Lent. It's a good time to be honest with ourselves about our failings, and also a good time to come to terms with the love of God which conquers all human failings... if we care to receive it and to be embraced by this love.

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It is the eve of Lunar New Year for the people of the Chinese race all over the world. Tonight, families will cluster in the homes, wherein people from two or three generations will celebrate their reunion over an annual feast whilst catching up from where they last left off.

Besides the joy that comes from such occasions, there is a purpose underlying such festivities. That purpose is one of traditioning.

Festivals and like occasions remind us of who we are, where we came from, and how we ended up being where we find ourselves today. It is important for the simple reason that it gives us wisdom in charting out where we will move on from here. This must resonate with the Kierkegaardian adage, "Life must be lived forward, but understood backwards."

At the point of instructing his people on how they should live, the Lord began by saying "I am the Lord your God who brought you out of Egypt", for the subsequent commandments would have made sense only if this memory of the great deliverance was kept alive. It can be likened to the way Chinese parents tell their children, "Always remember your roots."

Perhaps this is why it has now become so difficult for us to decide how we should live and where we should go from here... tradition, for many (especially in relation to the expression of the Christian faith), has become almost a vulgarity.

We have forgotten how to remember.

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If you grew up with Enid Blyton's books, you'd be entirely familiar with the Famous Five series. As a child, the Famous Five series was a part of my staple diet. Written way before I was born, the series was eventually filmed. Here's the theme song:

Here's a version from the 1990s:

It's so nice to see things you haven't been in touch with in a long while. It brings a moment of epiphany, and you suddenly remember who you are.

Posted by SK at 12:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

It's nice to take a revisit to the past, to listen afresh to some songs I used to listen to at a younger age.

"Voices That Care" is a 1991 song written by David Foster, Linda Thompson and Peter Cetera and recorded by a supergroup of popular musicians, entertainers and athletes. It was intended to help boost the morale of U.S. troops involved in Operation Desert Storm, as well as supporting the International Red Cross organisation.

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This was G.K. Chesterton's contribution:

Dear Sirs,

I am.

Sincerely yours,
G. K. Chesterton

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A conversation between me and a friend [with some parts paraphrased].

Friend:   How was 2007 for you?

Me:   Both 2006 and 2007 have been two of the worst years of my life.

Friend:   Hopefully this year will be better.

Me:   I really hope so too... what about you?

Friend:   It was all right. No super ups, no super downs.

Me:   Your life is quite stable in that sense.

Friend:   I guess so. I don't really like that. I want to do something great. Change the world. Change Malaysia. It feels like I've not done anything significant.

Me:   I can't say I've done great things either.

Friend:   I think you've caused ripples in Malaysia, certainly.

Me:   Strangely, I don't see it.

Friend:   At the very least, you're standing up for your beliefs in this very hard world.

Me:   [Friend's name], sometimes I'd like to think / imagine that I've done great things and very effective things to change the world. But it takes very little to convince me that actually I haven't done anything at all, or that I've done more harm than good.

Friend:   Yeah, I know what you mean. And the treatment you get from some people... We all want to do something great, but doing something great in this world will not yield any great fruit because they don't like the idea of change.

Me:   Yeah, you're a psychologist, you should know.

Friend:   The status quo is crap

Me:   Do u really feel very strongly about this?

Friend:   Yeah. I'm idealistic.

Me:   To what extent are u willing to go to change the world?

Friend:   I would like to devote my career to doing it.

Me:   When it becomes a career, you won't be creating change. Because it'll be too risky... the price is too high. It's when you're willing to sacrifice your career that change is created.

Friend:   You know what my idea was? I was thinking that I can write books and change the world.

Me:   Books don't change the world, [friend's name]. They can contribute a little to the answer, but they don't affect change. They just communicate concepts which few people attempt to translate into concrete action. Besides, most of the world is illiterate.

Friend:   Then what should I do? I mean, we're coming up against institutions and systems. It's a difficult battle. Changing the world is a lost cause, if you think about it. Many people are satisfied just having a good career, a good family. I dunno, changing the world is not easy at all.

Me:   I guess people like me don't try to "change the world". For me, it's simply about doing what is right.

Friend:   I thought you wanted to change the world too.

Me:   I'm dissatisfied with the state of the world, but it's not my ambition to change the world. It's my ambition to be the right person and to do the right thing... to change me. But in the process of being someone different, of changing myself, it rocks the status quo of the world.

Friend:   Maybe that's the way to change the world, by changing ourselves first.

Me:   Ghandi said, "Be the change that you seek".

Friend:   Wow, good words!

Posted by SK at 7:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

“Heaven is not empty,
Life is not a simple product of laws
and the randomness of matter,
but within everything
and at the same time
above everything
there is a personal will
there is a Spirit
who in Jesus has revealed himself as Love”.

Benedict XVI, Spe Salvi

WISHING YOU A HOPEFUL 2008

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When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
till I entered the sanctuary of God...

Psalm 73:16-17
(New International Version)

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I'm seldom speechless. Or very emotional.

But today I've been stirred bonkers.

By friends.

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Surely this statement may invoke some fury, but I really do think that people generally don’t know how to write melodies and poetic lyrics that speak anymore.

I remember how in the very early 1990s, when my schoolmates were consuming the works of Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul, Guns ‘N Roses, Taylor Dayne, Mariah Carey, and Whitney Houston, among many others, I was into folk. That was rather strange for a kid my age.

I recall how every single day, after returning from school, I would sit down and listen to James Taylor, Paul Simon, and Don McLean sing for hours upon hours.

Don McLean, he’s a prophet, if you know what I mean. I could just listen to him for hours without getting bored. He sang so much about life. His songs made me sad, angry, excited, loved, these and a whole plethora of other emotions… he sang about real stuff. I’ve hardly met a singer-songwriter who’s so connected with life.

There’s this one particular song of Don’s I used to listen to every single day: Crossroads. Over time, listening to it over and over again became like a prayer. Here it is, and it’s making me pray all over again:

Listen to this:

Who ever writes lyrics like that anymore?

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It feels rather strange when a well-respected man who once told you in private to never compromise what you believe in now compromises you.

It seems odd when the one who once told you never to cave in when confronted by public opinion now shows himself to be most afraid of what the public might say about him.

How does one now "unrespect" someone in a respectable way?

Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.

Father, forgive him even though he knows exactly what he is doing.

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The eagle appears in the standards of many organisations, schools, and nations as a guardian of freedom and truth.

The eagle is also often seen as a bird of God, the only bird that could fly above the clouds and stare directly at the sun.

The eagle represents St John the Evangelist, in honour of the soaring spirit and penetrating vision of his gospel.

Posted by SK at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The lack of adequate tools and utilities frequently becomes a (legitimate) excuse for our inability to perform.

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That’s a bed. It consists of an old wooden platform and a really black and badly torn mattress, covered by piece of mat with holes all over it.

If this was your bed, and you were 55 years old, and you were working eleven hours a day, and your legs were frequently swelling and turning black and you didn’t know why, and you were earning RM 270 a month (USD 80), and you were supporting four stick-thin undernourished kids who weren’t even your children, and you had just been evacuated from your squatters by the government, the worries you had on your mind right now would have been entirely different.

If this was your bed, you wouldn’t have been worrying about how you’re now less respected and liked by others, or how you’ve been backstabbed by your colleagues, or how you’ve been betrayed by your friends, or how your reputation has been damaged, or how bleak your future is because you’ve just lost your somewhat lucrative job. If this was your bed, you might not even have known where to start worrying.

I met her tonight, this elderly lady. Her daughter had borne her four children (each one most probably belonging to a different father - the latest one now behind prison bars) and then taken off, leaving the four children behind.

After all the years I’ve spent in the seminary theologising about life and its purpose and meaning, I had nothing much to say to this lady except to ask, “Aunty, what will you and the children be eating tomorrow?” Now we have to bring them some food, find a home for her, and find a home for these children. So much for the glorious abstraction of theology and the intricate science of biblical exegesis.

They’re hardly 2 kilometres from where I live. Within this radius, there are a number of churches and even a theological training institute (the very people whose primary concern are supposed to be the widows and the orphans), but it’s somewhat strange how the plight of these nameless faces remains unnoticed. If you’re living somewhere in my vicinity and want to do something for them, tell me; there is quite a number of families with such a similar plight. If we made it known that our hearts and hands were open, they’d come lining up to receive any help they could get.

When we philosophise our concepts of the Christian faith and try to work it out within the church and seminary walls, it’s called “theology”. When we work these out beyond the church and seminary walls, it’s called “charity”. When both are so integrated that they are expressed as a way of life, it’s called spirituality.

Tonight, I'll go to sleep with the words of the aunty echoing in my mind: "I've been suffering since I was 12 years old". You see, I've always thought that I was a sufferer. But today, I met aunty. And her story has taught me a new bedtime prayer:

Forgive me, Lord; during my moments with you, I've said too much. Those were all words. Just words.

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I couldn't be less bothered about what colour you are, what positions you hold, what titles accompany your name, or how much money you have.

Because fundamentally, when your finger is cut, the blood that flows out is the same colour as mine.

You are only human. You are no more or less human than I am. Can you understand that? I do not fight for human rights; I only fight for the right to be human and to be treated human.

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A friend of mine commented some time ago that the politics in the organisation with which he works is ugly. And then he went on to say that he has noticed that the politics in Christian organisations seems to be even worse.

Another person whom I knew mentioned something of that sort: “You may be surprised that the politics here (referring to the Christian organisation she was working with) is worse than the politics in other places.” “This is where you can find all the ‘satans’”, she said.

After having gone through cycles of political rivalries in various Christian organisations, I thoroughly agree with the above observations. And I wonder why such organisations, which are supposed to reflect the peace, mercy, and justice intrinsic to the being of God’s eschatological community, are the very organisations that probably reflect the most distasteful virtues any Christian could reflect.

Why the priority of organisational reputation above truth and justice? Why conspiracies and not open discussions? Why secrecy of agenda and not honesty in motivations? Why backstabbing and not graciously direct confrontations?

And to the victim of political scapegoating, they say: “We suggest you just accept what has happened to you, move on quietly, go do something else, and start your life from base. We say this to you pastorally”. No tone of regret, no sign of remorse. After all, for them, it is nothing personal.

I think this is what many Christian organisations and denominations have become because nobody is holding them accountable for their motivations and actions. The notion that they are subject to divine laws higher than the laws of the land has brought about a kind of lawlessness for which they cannot be held accountable. So each man for himself, and each organisation for its own reputational interest.

What about justice? It’s a concept. We can still preach about it…

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“What Lord, after this phase of physical and intellectual growth and raging hormones? What? An intolerable stability in life? A calm of stagnation?

I’ve noticed that for most grown-ups, life is a mundane necessity. They thrive on 'little happinesses' that keep them going daily; 'little happinesses' that are tangible, to keep them sane and aware that their existence is somehow tolerable, somewhat.

Far be it from me! May my life be an adventure of ever-increasing growth into you. Start me on an adventure that will propel me into ever-increasing divinisation, that I may be one with you, in you, and through you. That I may be unceasingly Christified and be like you.

Whatever the cost, whatever the cause. Now.”

This was a prayer I whispered with such utter indignation some years ago. Foolishly so. And now, here I stand in the middle of an adventure, realising that adventures aren’t always what Enid Blyton made them to be.

In the midst of the wildness of this adventure, I doubt I can bring myself to say that prayer. I perhaps over-estimated my capacity to enjoy an adventure. The older me today realises that adventures can be excruciating, horrifying, suffocating, and unsettling; anything but thrilling.

But inasfar as these adventures have been divinising and Christifying, yes, certainly so.

Yet my prayer today, as one going through an adventure, is “Lord, have mercy. Christ, have mercy. Lord, have mercy.”

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This announcement comes a little late, I'm afraid. It's because I've been having a fever and a throat infection. Anyway:

I got married.

My wife's name is Emmy Jong.

My wedding service took place last Saturday on 3 November 2007. It was solemnised by a great friend of mine, Revd Sivin Kit, a minister of the Lutheran Church in Malaysia and Singapore. And the preacher was Revd Dr Simon Chan (Ernest Lau Professor of Systematic Theology at Trinity Theological College Singapore), someone whom I've known as my spiritual father for some years now.

The wedding service was more than a service for me. It was very symbolic of how God has been faithful towards me all these years despite the painful seasons I've had to plough my way through.

The way my family members and friends stood with Emmy and me, supporting us through the entire ordeal of ensuring that the service worked out fine, was a sheer sacramental statement of God's guiding hand and assuring presence in my life.

To the friends from the north and the south who travelled all the way to witness the occasion, I offer you my heartfelt gratitude. To the friends who toiled for days to help us with the preparations... honestly, I don't know what to say to you... thank you for loving me.

My wedding: the occasion when I witnessed how my family and friends carried me when I couldn't walk on my own.

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Some things, once done, cannot be undone.

Somebody told a lie, and somebody believed it. Now look what it has done.

Lies, once told, cannot be untold. The liar might regret that he has told a lie, because at the point of lying, he never expected that he'd be reaping any sort of consequences from the lie. He told the lie simply to get back at someone.

The only people who can be sure he's lying are the truly discerning ones. They'll know that the liar's lie sounds not too unbelievable, but too believable, to be true.

But now the liar regrets having told a lie, because he's suffering for it. Yet he's come so far and cannot untell his lie. His pants are on fire.

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While driving yesterday, I caught sight of a rainbow before me. It was quite a distance away, and rather faint. Nevertheless, it was a rainbow.

There's a Christian cliché that says the rainbow is a sign of a promise, because that's what God gave to Noah in symbolic token of a promise. So in good popular Christian fashion, without wanting to think too much about being true to any exegetical crap, I took the rainbow as a sign of a promise. (Yeah, once in the way, I do allow myself to be a sucker for such things.)

It's only really because despite the disillusionment I'm facing at the moment, and despite my having lost faith in many things/people, I believe in the Almighty God, the heavenly Father from whose eyes nothing can escape. And I believe that all of nature points to something of him, in both a personal and a general way.

The rainbow was given to all its spectators. And to me. It is the sign of a promise. Not a promise that all will be well in life, but rather, that all will be well with my soul. Through persecution, insults, and false accusations... all will be well with my soul.

There are many things in life one cannot try too hard to make sense of. The more one tries to find sense in the non-sensical realities of life, the more one gets bewildered and baffled. At a point of helplessness, one must truly, truly look at the rainbow painted before him - that he may know that all will be well with his soul.

Posted by SK at 5:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you ever realised that you've just wronged somebody, and then gone back to the person to offer a sincere apology? Have you ever gone back to a person to offer a sincere apology, only to receive an earful of lectures from the person you're saying sorry to just before he says, "Anyway, apology accepted"?

There are different ways of accepting an apology and forgiving someone. One really good way is to get back at the person who's apologising before forgiving him. Because he wronged you or made you feel put down, so since he is now putting himself at a disadvantage by coming to you in humility, you take the opportunity to give him a piece of your mind. Yeah, give him a taste of his own medicine, THEN say, "Anyway, apology accepted" or "I forgive you".

But in so doing, you've robbed yourself of the true virtue of forgiving. Because you didn't really forgive. You just got back at the person and feel satisfied that you've done so. And because your grievance has been redressed, you're able to say "Anyway, apology accepted". With such an attitude, even the mentioning of those words itself is nothing short of putting the "apologiser" down.

To forgive is difficult. Because true forgiveness takes place only when the forgiver puts himself at the same level as the person he's forgiving. True forgiveness means dignifying the one who has wronged you and intentionally or unintentionally robbed you of your dignity; otherwise you're no better than he is.

Jesus truly forgave the ones who crucified him, because he whispered his forgiveness upon his persecutors without them even realising they had been forgiven by him. Besides, they weren't even sorry. But he forgave them.

It's difficult to forgive. Because it's a very humble thing to do. Those who think the position to forgive is a lofty one don't understand the true spirit of forgiveness. We often forget that forgiving is a privilege, only because we've been forgiven ourselves. That's why our words "I forgive you" sometimes make people walk away feeling more condemned than liberated, more obje